YU THINK I WNA BE LIKE THIS? LIVING IN THIS WORLD. THIS WORLD OF LLLUSION, THIS WORLD OF PERFECTED LIES I FEED MYSELF TO MAKE ME THINK IM NUMB SO I CAN FORGET THE PAIN? fcuk. i dont. but no one knows, haha, how pathetic. ther's something i cant tell either. yu told me that last night. i didnt know what to say. like, what the hell yu expect me to say? "oh, hey. i think i found myself, so lets pretend yu didnt tell me anything." NO. i aint gonna say that. because its a fact. that yu told that fact. of facts. whatever. that something i cant say. its something familiar. thats why. whats why i didnt wna talk about it anymore. yu said im one of em. deep inside, i wna tell yu that im not. IM NOT. because of that stupid thing inside of me. that thing i cant say. no one knows. not a single person in this world. not my mom, not nobody. not my besties, not my sisters not my brothers. none of yu know. and im never gonna tell. and wel, i jst talked to pohzy and realised one thing. sometimes.. guys jst dont get the lil things. why do girls always keep to themselves, they ask. WHY? YU TELL ME WHY. because.. so what if they tell. its jst a matter of another person knowing it. all they can do, is tell yu again to cheerup. to give yu faith? again. and again and again. the pain it'll never subside unless the girl can make it happen. maybe guys get numb. maybe girls dont. maybe sometimes girls need more time. maybe for girls, it'll never subside at all. thats when they start to say they're numb. then yu guys say numb is bullshit. it aint. please. dont say yu know it when yu dont. yu say i know noshit. whatever. like yu do. as if. i hate lies. i hate having to keep things from pple. i hate doing that. how i want to shout and say life is empty and meaningless like what she said. how i want to shout and say i wish this wasnt over yet, that im still not over yu. that im forcing myself to smile at yu and other pple so that at least i can live better. to shout and say that. maybe. im still falling for yu. i know its a mistake. i know its a big grave mistake. yu told me. mistakes cant be erased that easily. its true. isnt that easy to erase. why else do i cry over a stupid bunch of emails. to cry in school and at home and cry even during when im writing my compo. cry cry cry. what a crybaby i am, huh? whatever. i cant cry anymore. i think my tears have dried. wasted them over yu. wasted them over the emails.. so wasted. maybe it isnt worth my tears to cry over some guy that wont ever ever catch my heart. maybe i still need yu. maybe it isnt faith that keeps me going. maybe.. maybe its still yu. i wna shout. that.. its yu. its because of yu im acting weird. its because of yu i start being retarded. its because of yu i try to carry on. maybe. i wont fall for no one anymore. because.. probably when i fell for yu, i fell so hard now im broken.
i wna shout and scream. but no one. no one's here to listen to my rants anymore. its time.. now im finally alone. time to be independent, maybe. "maybe".. this word. sounds so distant to me.